


I Want Out

by trashgavin



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Detroit Evolution, Gavin Reed panics, I’m trash, This Is Sad, filler fic, he’s a mess and I’m not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23673070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashgavin/pseuds/trashgavin
Summary: Gavin kicks Nines out of his apartment and reflects on the night before, amongst other things.
Kudos: 48





	I Want Out

“Get.  _ Out _ !” There’s silence as those words rattle against the wall, as they settle around them like a blanket of lead; weighing them down. There’s no mistaking the hurt in Nines’ eyes but Gavin pretends it isn’t there, that he didn’t see it. He doesn’t want to admit that his partner cares, that he’s different from everyone else that Gavin has ever known. Because if he does, he’ll have to rethink everything again. He tries not to register the sound of his apartment door slamming shut as Nines leaves, tries not to register the painful squeeze in his chest at the sound.  _ Pretend it isn’t there, pretend everything is fine until it is _ . 

A shaky hand pushes through his hair and it’s like Gavin can’t breathe, can’t focus. Everything blurs and a sound bursts from his throat; not quite a sob, but something close. Something sharp and painful. 

“Fuck.” He needs a cigarette, the urge pulling him out of the room. Gavin fumbles with his jacket until he pulls the pack from his pocket and— Shit. Where’s his lighter? “ _ Fuck _ .”

Gavin frantically searches the other pocket before his fingers wrap around the familiar shape and he breathes out a relieved sigh. There’s no time wasted and he’s finally pulling smoke into his lungs, the action calming. At least a little.

He counts each inhale. One, two, three. And then he breathes out, closing his eyes as the last tendrils of panic fade away and he’s left feeling drained. He knows what triggered the attack, just like he knows what triggered the nightmare. Seeing Lazzo, a vulnerable kid involved in shady business, was like looking in a fucking mirror and Gavin didn’t like the reflection. It reminds him too much of things he wishes he could forget, things he’s done. Things he’s said.

Vulnerability is not his best look; he hides it behind layers of sarcasm and hostility. No one can hurt you if you push them away first, right? Or so he tells himself. 

Gavin takes another deep breath, exhaling the smoke with a deep sigh. How long has it been since he’s had a panic attack like that? He can’t remember. It wasn’t nearly as bad as others, but the fact that Nines almost witnessed that, too? It’s almost enough to make Gavin spiral again. His partner was never supposed to witness the nightmare, he was never supposed to know about any of this.

_ But he knows and that isn’t going away _ . Even if, somehow, Nines erases last night from his memory, Gavin will remember. He’ll remember that he let someone else get too close, that he let them in when all it does is cause more pain. All his life, since he was a kid, people have come and gone. They take one look at him and decide he isn’t worth it. And he’s not, he knows that. He doesn’t deserve to have someone care, someone close to him.

The cigarette dwindles to nothing and Gavin tosses it, pushing a hand through his hair once more. He needs to get ready for work, get his mind off of Lazzo and Nines. Off the nightmare and the panic. He never wants to feel like that again.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this! Please leave kudos and/or a comment with your thoughts!


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